Woes of a College Senior

You know… There are just times when you hate life. I know that’s not a Christian thing to say. As God’s children, we always have things to be thankful for. And I believe that with all my heart. There’s proof of that every day. Friends, family, roommates, beautiful weather, a clear night sky with moon and stars shining down. And yet we still find ourselves in spots where we just can’t see a way out. And it’s scary. So much work to do. So much to do. SO MUCH TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn’t seem possible, especially considering the timeline. How can I get this done when I have a presentation to prepare? How can I complete this service learning project when I have tennis matches to play? How can I search for a job when this little thing called school is taking up all of my life? 

And then even more doubt seeps in. How can all this happen to me? What have I done? Was this the right choice? Was Concordia the best choice? Did I just pick the easy route that would get me through the next four years instead of trying to find something I would love doing? Why is it that I’m never included? Why am I so different? And I mean SO DIFFERENT. Why do people invite others to anything – and I do mean anything – right in front of me but fail to include me? Why does it matter so much to me? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like everyone else?

Why did we have to graduate high school? I had figured so much out. Why do we have to continue to grow older? Why does the world demand we get jobs and have to pay taxes? Why do people fight so much? Why do wars continue to be a part of our existence? How far have we fallen? Why is life so hard? Does God still love me, even after EVERYTHING I’ve done? How could He? It doesn’t make any sense. How could He love us but put us through all of this? There’s so much we don’t know.

Why does Concordia cost so much? Why does the tennis team have no money? Why can’t Concordia put more money into the tennis team? We’re an athletic team, too… We have needs just like the women’s basketball team and the football team and the track team. Why isn’t the team more connected? We’re a TEAM. Why aren’t we close? Why were we separated from our friends back home when those friendships were so important to us?

Why is being emotional so uncommon for a guy? Why is it bad? Why are we looked at differently? If anything, we’re more mature than those idiots girls usually date. And we treat girls way better than those other tools do. Yet the dating paradigm is still against us. I’m sorry I’m not ripped with the IQ of a napkin. Why is love never reciprocated? Even friends don’t show it. So much is given. Being selfish is bad. I know that. What is the point of everything? If we’re all going to die eventually, why do we have to spend so much to go to college? Why is money so prevalent? If the world is such a bad place and we’re not supposed to dwell on things in it or of it, why are there such temptations? Why did Adam and Eve have to sin? Why are there movies that leave us wanting so much but can deliver nothing? Why does my imagination run wild? So many bad things come from it. Dwelling on ideas instead of acting.

*          *          *

Yeah… it’s a lot. But then there are those times when life is… beautiful. We have so much. God truly loves us and cares for us every day. It will all work out in the end. God will see it done. He promises.

Success!!

I have finally found out how to get to my blog at school. Thank you, other student in Science of Everyday Things! Someday, I'll finally get this thing back on track, but today isn't that day. Stress is at maximum level and I'm just trying to get through each day as it comes. But no worries. I'm still alive, and I don't intend on giving up anytime soon. Here's hoping you're all having a better semester than me!

Talk to you soon.

While I Have A Moment...

So... here we are. 2013. A new year. Can you believe it?

I finally found a way to get on my account. For whatever reason, I can only connect when I'm at home in Galva. For this reason, I've been unable to post for a LONG time. Sadly, this is only a post to make sure you all know I'm still alive. I will continue to post in the future, but for now, I'm just saying hello, happy new year, and God's blessings!

More coming (hopefully) soon.

My Own Fellowship

Life is hard. Very hard. There's never a time when we feel completely relaxed because we know there will always be something more to do. To accomplish. To suffer through. The whole reason we're alive is because we haven't yet fulfilled God's plan for our lives. Otherwise, He would've called us to Him. To be called to Him is His way of saying, "You've done well, my child. Rest." And that day will be a glorious day, indeed.

But this is now, and now is ugly. My life has never been more stressful, chaotic, busy, or full of responsibility. I've never felt so overwhelmed, helpless, useless, or drained. Like Frodo, I've journeyed far. And like Frodo, I fade more and more as the journey continues. The countless anxiety, pressure, and weight forced on my shoulders by this world grows stronger every day while I grow weaker. Each day is a struggle with no end in sight.

But like Frodo, I've been given gifts. Friends. Allies. Lifelines. It's not possible to make it through this life without aid, but everyone receives help in different ways. Some rely on pets. Some trust their job to anchor them down. Me? I've been given an everlasting fellowship to help me through these troubles times. Each member has been equipped with weapons to help me fight my demons, as well as their own. Each individual brings something unique to our friendship, which only helps to strengthen our bonds. The fellowship is not complete unless we're all present and working together to push, strengthen, and support each other. Like Frodo, I have eight companions. And like Frodo, they've each provided me with undying loyalty. Who are these eight heroes? Let's begin.

Ashley Drey: A thoughtful glance, a fair and gentle face, and a personality of gold. Slender and tall, she stands proud of her accomplishments but holds an air of humility and grace unparalleled by any other. She's strong and stern as steel when the time calls for it. A fearless and high-hearted conscience allows her to take on obstacles with a confidence matched only by her bravery to bring her best. She's a true warrior. Ashley, you're my Eowyn.

Breanna Mathes: Charming and beautiful. The epitome of beauty and the symbol of a fair lady. She's one of the most supportive people I know, a characteristic that is accentuated by her high spirits and willingness to believe in the good in everyone. She never gives up or abandons hope, even when all others are in despair. She brings courage, resolve, and valor to the fellowship, as well as a bright smile, resounding laugh, and sparkling personality. Breanna, you're my Arwen.


Olivia Leuschen: She offers spiritual aid, giving counsel and encouragement during the darkest moments of my quest. She provides light that shines brighter than any star in the night sky. Her wisdom is unmatched. Her sense of right and wrong guide her every move, making her a tough customer in a pickle. Her grace and ability to rise above all others make her an irreplaceable member of this fellowship. Olivia, you're my Galadriel.


Heidi Kistenmacher: She holds her ground when her values are challenged instead of giving way like the girlish gossip she's believed to be. She provides a pure and fresh outlook to any situation. Her ability to transform everything around her to be the same as her bubbly personality is second to none. Her air of honesty and integrity coupled with her hunger for the truth and well-being of her fellow companions make her an invaluable member of this fellowship. Heidi, you're my Goldberry.


Eric Rasmussen: He symbolizes honesty and kindness. A fantastic story-teller and wise advisor. He uses his "powers" only for good and never falls into bad situations. Everything he does is done deliberately and with deep thought. He's the reassuring presence the fellowship relies upon to change a frantic situation to one of security and direction. He encourages each of us to be the best we can be and sees our potential and ability even when we do not. Eric, you're my Gandalf.

John Harris: He's not afraid of danger. A brave and loyal member of the fellowship, he's broad-shouldered and strong as a horse. At times mischievous, he can always be relied upon to be there for any other member. Light-hearted but sincere, he provides a common-sense approach to any outlook of any situation. Shrewd and calculating, he never misses an opportunity to poke fun at another fellowship member. John, you're my Gimli.

Ben Grieme: Not frightened by forces of nature. In fact, a certain unity with nature helps him. He enjoys wandering around in nature, listening to the singing birds, chattering squirrels, and scurrying rabbits. His love for animals is unmatched by any other in the fellowship. He can be called a philosopher to some extent and is an excellent marksman. He believes in people and is a true patriot to the fellowship's cause, making him one of its most loyal members. Ben, you're my Legolas.

John Lorenzen: Full of love and admiration for his friends. He possesses a unique sense of foresight and intuition, using his values and life experiences to guide his decisions and relationships. He has a clearly defined sense of right and wrong as well as a taste for adventure. He is the embodiment of faithfulness, simplicity, and decisiveness. It's nearly impossible to find a more honest character. He's confident and supportive. His dedication makes him one of the most important members to our fellowship. When I've given up and he finds strength to carry me - that's his shining moment. He never leaves me even when circumstances are at their most dangerous. Because of this, he's my best friend and constant companion, loyal and pure. John, you're my Sam.

There you have it. My lifelines. My friends. My lights in this world. They've never been snuffed out. Any idea what it's like to know that they never will be? They've given me more than I ever thought possible and continue to do so every single day. I don't need to communicate with them to understand how important our friendship is. The fellowship speaks for itself. We find strength in each other and make it possible to face one more day. For that one day brings us even closer together.

Always By My Side

"I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do, and you can't cope, I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight, and I won't let go."
- Rascall Flatts

Let's get one thing straight. I'm not a fan of Rascall Flatts. At most, there are two or three songs that I can listen to from the group, but that's it. The good news is that this post is not about Rascall Flatts. I feel that if it was, it would not be received very well. This post is about something much more interesting. The subject of this post is much more unique, selfless, inspiring, and trustworthy than Rascall Flatts. And I can say that with absolute certainty, for even though I haven't met any members of the Rascall Flatts band, I have met this woman, and I'm delighted to report that she's one of my closest and dearest friends.

Her name is Olivia. Olivia Caroline Leuschen. (Sorry, Olivia. Your secret's out). She's a 21-year-old graduate of Galva-Holstein High School and is currently a junior studying political science at Iowa State University. She is an excellent pianist, flute player, choir singer, pen pal, and everything in between. She is one of the most talented individuals I know and uses her gifts to benefit others. There's so much more to say about her, but to include everything would require thousands and thousands of pages - pages I do not have the privilege of owning.

I've known Olivia since middle school. Anyone will tell you that I have the worst memory of any human being, (with the exception of my roommate), and therefore, I'm unsure about the date that we actually became acquainted. What I remember most about those years in middle school was that the flute section in band chaired so many girls. (That, and the study halls Olivia and I spent coming up with the most ridiculous classmate scenarios. We'll call them relationship scenarios). And honestly, none of those flute girls were good. It was middle school. No one was good.

Except for Olivia. She improved every single day and by the time we got to high school, she had asserted her dominance by taking on the responsibility of leading the flute section. (An argument could be made that Kayla Elemond, as first chair, held that responsibility. But if you were actually in that band, you would know who really wore the pants in that section). Very soon it became obvious that Olivia was extremely talented with all kinds of music, not just band. She was an incredible singer, which was sort of a letdown when the caliber of the high school choir was considered. Yet that didn't stop her from participating in some stellar solos and assorted small groups.

It was because of band that Olivia and I became close. Although I must also give credit to my older brother Caleb, for if he hadn't have taken me on so many fun outings - outings that Olivia also frequented - we might never have ignited that spark. It all began freshman year with MORP parties, after-school study sessions, and band concerts. From there, our friendship blossomed. By junior year, we were "thick as thieves," as Jack Sparrow - Captain Jack Sparrow, excuse me - would say. We went to movies, played cat-and-mouse, assigned Capture the Flag missions to team members, braved the darkness of my church basement to play some hide-and-seek, and everything in-between. I finally had that group of friends I had always wanted, and Olivia was one of the biggest reasons why that happened.

And then came SENIOR YEAR. I've referenced it so many times, but it was such a good year that I will never tire of talking about it. By senior year, our group had solidified itself and we were practically inseparable. Torso, Rocky, my two secret agents - codename: Breanna and Heidi - Giff, EStache, Dirty Ashley, and Harris... the world was ours. We still don't know how we all came to be together, but I figure it's foolish to question something that is so wonderful. What I do know is that it was because of Olivia that I was welcomed into this group: a group that has changed my life and a group I could never live without. It's because of Olivia that I experienced one of the greatest years of my life during senior year, and since then, memories have only gotten more memorable.

But here is where I make my confession: I never gave Olivia the credit that was due. I spent so much time focusing on other aspects of my life that I deemed tremendously important: trying to come up with the best way to make myself happy, lauding another friend just because he helped me through some tough times, complaining when things didn't go my way... the list goes on and on. I am one of the most self-centered people in the world, and no one can deny it. It's so obvious sometimes that I wonder how I even have friends in the first place. Whenever I talk to anyone, I somehow manage to manipulate the conversation to center on me and how my life sucks and how I'm such an innocent little guy who has bad things happen to him without fail. It's just not fair, I always say to myself. Unfortunately, Olivia received the brunt of this behavior. When I wasn't sulking in my own self-pity sessions, I was crying to her about how I deserve so much more than I have and how no one could possibly understand because of course I'm the first and only person to experience these feelings. I burdened her with so many useless thoughts and completely wasted time that I wouldn't be surprised to hear if at times she told people I needed to see a therapist. Who knows? Maybe I should see a therapist...

But that in itself is the quality I love most about Olivia. (Not the idea that she tells people I need to see a therapist. Although if anyone knows of a good one, maybe give me a call...). No no. The thing I love most about Olivia is that she actually cares. She takes time out of her own busy schedule to inquire how I'm dealing with mine. She takes a break from her endless list of responsibilities to listen to me complain about mine. She keeps up her end of the college-visit bargain even though I completely fail at mine. She's dealt with all of my insecurities - all of my horrible idiosyncrasies - with an incredible amount of grace, honesty, and, at times, her own sense of humor. She pushes me that extra little bit whenever I need that extra kick to get me moving. She's always willing to listen to my self-pity sessions, and she doesn't even charge me for them! If she did, she'd probably be a millionaire by now. She's one of the nicest people I know, but when the time calls for it, she won't hesitate to give a firm but caring backhand to the face. Maturity doesn't even begin to describe the way she deals with each of these situations. Why? Because for a 21-year-old, she's dealt with issues that most people don't come up against in their entire lives. Even in her most desperate times of hardship and heartbreak, she's able to rely on the immense stores of poise and strength she accumulates from past experiences. These characteristics filter into every part of her life: family, friends, and, even though it's new, her relationship status (congratulations, again). They allow her to overcome any obstacle that dares to confront her. She may seem like a weak target, what with her only being 5'5" and all, but what she lacks in height she more than makes up for with her ability to overpower the world and any problems it might throw at her. Her unconscious ability to pass on that power to others is one of the most liberating gifts I've ever encountered, and one I will continue to be thankful for until the day I die.

So here's to you, Olivia. You have definitely stood by me, helped me through, dried my eyes, and fought my fights. Holding me tight would require us to have the sort of relationship you have with Tyler, so we'll skip that part for now. You're one of the few reasons why I still function as a human being. I'm still (relatively) sane because you've always been there for me, even when you didn't have the time or patience to be. I've never been able to repay the favor because compared to you, who could? Nobody. You've heard more of my problems, listened to more of my rants, and comforted more of my misgivings than any other person I know. And yet you're always willing to do more. I know that if all else fails, you'll forever be by my side to help me through it all. You mean more to me than words can express. Your friendship has helped define my life and will continue to do so for many years. For that, and for so many other things on which I forgot to comment, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. May I never lose sight of the fact that you are one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive, simply because you keep on giving. You'll never stop because that's who you are.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Goodbye 2011

You know that moment when you realize that so far, you've been failing so badly at life that even your 14-year-old sister is better at it than you? (Although, honestly, Emily really is rocking the early teenage life. If anyone wanted advice on how to improve their situations at that stage of life's journey, they may wanna shoot a text her way). That point, though, has been upon me for some time now. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have no motivation, sustenance, or interest in changing the fact that to this point, I quite frankly have not taken life very seriously. And therein lies my biggest flaw: an unwilling resolve to accept reality. On my 20th birthday, I mentioned a world I've had to rebuild twice, each time adding new quirks and building new fortresses. Yet one of my fatal mistakes has been to allow imperfections to remain. Inspiration to find that perfect job doesn't exist. The power of my will lacks in even the most basic areas. The drive to improve qualities that need polishing has slowly eroded away, only to be replaced by a reluctance to accept change and how severely it is... changing... my life. It's unnerving at times to think of how everyone around me is so strong and almost, if not completely, rooted down with confidence in their beliefs, senses, and ideas. To say that I'm not quite there yet is a colossal understatement.

And yet, we've now bid farewell to another year. Another year of laughter, fun, sadness, defeat, triumph, agony, loss, and renewal... Gone. Finished. Completed. Another colossal understatement would be someone saying that 2011 went quickly. It's almost becoming cliche, isn't it? Another year of experiences, relationships, difficulties, and perseverance has been absorbed into our existence, helping to solidify our personalities, responsibilities, and character. We've inducted the most memorable moments into the Hall of Memories, where they will be forever cherished and adored. Up until this point in my life, I'm sad to say that I've mostly focused on the bad, the depressing, the sad, and the frustrating. Again - motivation to change? Practically non-existent.

But we've now entered a new year. A chance to truly start over. The ability to shake loose the bonds of previous debts and begin new transactions in life. "You only live once" is a very popular saying, and one we'll all continue to hear until the day we die. But carpe diem could hardly have said it better - it's our day. Let's seize it. It's our chance to take control of the chaos surrounding us, and by so doing, create order in the pandemonium that eternally surrounds and threatens us. It's up to us to create those memories, to forge those everlasting relationships, so that one day, we'll be able to look back on these years - every fight, every victory, every loss, every A+, every F, every promotion, every dismissal, every laugh, every tear - and smile.

And above all, we must never lose sight of the hope that we find in Jesus Christ, for it is because of him that we are able to live life to the fullest. The Bible tells us that "No one - not even one who has not heard of the Bible or of Christ - has an excuse for not honoring God, because the whole created world reveals him." God gives us blessings that we are incapable of numbering because they are as numerous as the grains of sand on the seashore. Looking back, part of a message I received contained these words: "Focus on positive things, for then you will have far greater to write about." It is with that idea that I will end: below, enjoy some of the memorable times I experienced in the year 2011. 

- Welcomed Chloe Ann Kinney into our home over the winter and became best friends during the summer.
- Enjoyed one of the greatest tennis seasons of my life. Not because of the record, but because of the people and places.
- Completed my second year of college with a stellar GPA and even better memories.
- Gained valuable experience working at King's Pointe Waterpark & Resort.
- Got a taste of the "grown-up" world during the summer because of the front desk position.
- Came to appreciate my friends even more than before because of the diversity of our work schedules.
- Came out of my shell just a smidge during the Fall Semester. As a result, two magnificent group presentations were given.
- Enjoyed rooming with Preston Sunderman for the third straight semester. Man, we certainly do have our fun.

And then it was time to pack up and head home for Christmas. The rest, as they say, is history.

Things I Learned in 2011
~ My first impressions are improving.
~ If I hate a class enough, I'll leave and go get some food. Or explore basements.
~ Some tennis shoes only last two weeks.
~ I am incredibly blessed with the greatest friends and the most loving family.
~ I'm still capable of asking out the opposite sex, however awkward it may be.
~ I made the wrong decision when I chose Business for a major.
~ To set things right, I'm gonna need to put on my big boy pants and take control of my life in 2012.

I had hoped to change the world in 2011. I now deem that an unfit challenge because it's something that is extremely hard to measure. Yet one thing is for certain: My world certainly changed in those 365 days. I've come to the conclusion that it's not possible to completely reconstruct something as complicated as "our world." Why? Because it's forever changing. So instead of some deeply intense goal, I'll simply say this: be you. Live. Love. Grow. Dare. Cry. Laugh. And never forget that you're special. More so than you can possibly imagine. Here's to making 2012 the best year it can possibly be!

You're The One

It's hard to be alone this time of year. We're all heading home to see loved ones for the holidays, but some are even luckier to be able to add a significant other to that group. And in light of everyone here at school getting engaged and running off together, things certainly seem to be happening pretty fast. Since I don't have anyone, I'll spend the next few minutes promising the best of myself to that special someone. Someday, she'll come along.

I promise to never laugh at you when you fall on the ice. Unless you laugh first. Then, after helping you up and making sure you're all right, I'll join in.

I promise to make you my world. No matter how cluttered it seems to be at the time.

I promise to add a little love to those chocolate chip cookies I'll make you whenever you want them.

I promise to let you win when we go out and play tennis. Sometimes.

I promise to laugh at your jokes even when I don't understand them.

I promise to turn off the Christmas music if you're getting tired of it. You're that important to me.

I promise to make you breakfast in bed whenever you're not up to the task of making it yourself. I can't, however, promise it will be as delicious as when you actually make it yourself.

I promise to clean up my mess afterwards. Let's face it. Guys can be good cooks, but we're also messy customers.

I promise to be the softest cuddler but hard as a rock when it comes to protecting you.

I promise to buy you flowers just so your day can have a little sunshine.

I promise to throw that blanket on you when you fall asleep on the couch.

I promise to let you cry as much as you need to without intruding with questions like "What happened?" and "Are you all right?" If you're crying, something is clearly wrong, but it doesn't mean you want to talk about it.

I promise to have the most attentive ears.

I promise that I will cry. Someday. And there's a chance that day might come when we're watching Toy Story 3.

I promise to put actual thought into buying you gifts on special occasions.

For all other occasions, I promise the same.

I promise you can have a say in naming our children. After our first daughter.

I promise to let you dress me up whenever you feel you need to take me shopping.

I promise to like your family. Even when I don't.

I promise to help you wash the dishes. Let's face it. Just need a little mood music.

I promise to spend as much time as I need to get you that huge stuffed animal at the carnival or amusement park. Whether it be five minutes (most cases), or two hours (if you want more than one).

I promise to be there for you with a hot bowl of soup and a movie when you're sick so I can make you feel better. Softest of cuddlers, remember. And when the time is right, we'll add ice cream or chocolate to that mix.

I promise to understand that you need to have five million different pairs of shoes.

I promise to put thought into it when you tell me I need more pairs of shoes.

I promise to treat you like my girlfriend/wife when I'm hanging out with "the guys." If you're cool enough to want to hang out with my guy friends, you deserve at least that. You deserve so much more because you picked me.

I promise to tell you you're beautiful every single day. And mean it.

I promise to sit through a chick flick even if I feel like watching a thrilling action movie.

Most important of all, I promise to love you with all that I am, all that I have, and all that I hold dear. You will be my life. You - and the adorable babies we'll have someday. I promise to do these things even when we're old and sitting in our chairs, looking back on the life we've lived together. We'll cherish all of the memories we created with each other: the good and the bad. For even through those bad times, I'll have had you by my side - an ever-present source of love and hope. Whenever you choose to enter my life, I will forever remember that day: the day that the rest of my life will begin. Until then, whoever you are, I can't wait to meet you.